Unexpected emotions.

It's funny, when you look up "Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy" a long list pops up of all the things that EVERYONE tells you about pregnancy. You'll find that:

1. You'll leak. Everywhere. All the time. (It doesn't matter whether or not you do a million kegel's a day.)

2. You'll put on weight even before BABY actually makes an appearance.

3. You'll want to ring your partner and anyone else's neck who crosses your path for little to no reason at all. 

And other unpleasant "side effects" that come along with growing a human. So here we are, the first-timers, feeling all prepared because we think we're one step ahead. When other women give us that all-knowing-slightly-foreboding smile when we say we're excited and ready for our pregnancy to progress, we smile back because in our heads we think, "No no no, you don't understand. We Googled it. We know exactly what we're getting in to. We even know about the snail trails!"

News flash. We don't know. We can't know. Pregnancy is interesting. Everyone thinks they "get it" because there are movies depicting the hard parts of it and there's endless online resources telling you how to "Wow Your Midwife" and we all know someone who's been pregnant and so we "understand," obviously. I'll be honest with you, I was one of the worst. I was so sure I was going to rock this human-growing business. I was completely blind-sided. 

I want to go back to the very beginning and sit down with that me. The me staring that plus sign in the face feeling momentarily empowered and confident. I want to swallow her up in a big hug and tell her to hold on to that feeling. I want to tell her that over the next eight months, even the tiniest of her insecurities are going to be magnified. I want to remind her that she's always had a hard time accepting help, and that she's entering a phase of life where everyone just wants to help, and that it's not going to be any easier just because there's a baby involved now. It will still be hard, and it will cause break down after break down of feeling like people are thinking of her as incapable. I'll remind her that chances are likely they really truly just want to help because they love her, not because they think she "needs" it. Then I'll remind her unnecessarily of how valuable her independence has always been to her. I'll gently tell her that that same kind of independence is no longer an option. "In growing this little girl," I'll tell me, "you are surrendering that independence. You, are now two. She's going to be there all the time, for a long time. Not starting after she's born, starting now. That is so fun. But it's also terrifying and intimidating, and a little like finding a body part you never knew you had. You'll be a little scared of it, and it will take a long time to adjust to." I want to tell her how she's always been a little vain, and that that's going to make things difficult now. It'll be especially hard to know where to channel that insecurity, because when you try to talk about it, people will look down on you. People are going to roll their eyes at you and tell you "Please, you're TINY!" and no one will be able to understand why you're complaining. I'll tell her that it's okay to feel a sense of loss as her body makes the necessary shifts in order to bring life in to the world. I'll tell her to remember to focus on what is important, and what she can control and to not tear herself apart with guilt over the emotions she feels - it doesn't mean she loves her baby any less. I'll tell her to focus on that.

I have this image of me in the hospital, with little girl on my chest, and Levi draped around my shoulders leaning his head against mine just watching our baby girl breathe air for the very first time. Every moment I feel the panic creeping in and the frustration trying to take over, that is what pulls me out of the darkness. Isn't it interesting, that something so beautiful and awe-inspiring can cause so much anxiety? Maybe I shouldn't admit it out loud, but that's real. That's life. That's just me - the new mom. Trying desperately to figure this out as I go. Wish me luck?

A different kind of change.

Today ended began a major chapter in my life.

After today things are going to be different. 

That's okay. I like different. I really do.

In fact, for a lot of my life, change was an escape. I ran when I got scared or hurt or lonely or mad. I'd find a way to make some "major change" and it would distract me from all the emotions I didn't like to feel. 

This change, is nothing like that. 

This time it's different.

This change I'm not forcing. I'm not running from anything. This time I'm running toward something. This time I'm not trying to slam the door shut behind me. I'm not changing my phone number and filing change of address forms and cutting people out. Instead, I'm opening doors. In fact, I'm even leaving them wide open behind me because I'm no longer scared of what's back there. I rarely glance over my shoulder but when I do, I smile because of what I see. I see well-spent time and lessons-learned and genuine happiness.

Mostly though, I'm facing forward. Beside me I have Levi, the father of my child, the one embarking on this journey with me, the one who I know I can lean on when I come up short, and the one who constantly fills my bucket with love and intuitive support. I have my parents who find a way to be there every time I need them. I have my sister and extended family, and Levi's family lifting me daily and giving me endless examples of people I can't wait for our little girl to want to emulate. I have friends and familiar faces checking in regularly and making me feel capable and important. I am so blessed. 

So yes, everything is changing. I'll be home a lot more. My bank account will stop growing for a time. My focus will shift and now I'll be busy with my Love preparing with him to welcome our little girl. But no, I'm not scared. My heart is at peace and my mind is clear. Or at least, as clear as it can be. 

I am 29 weeks pregnant, after all!

Opening my eyes.

It's fun to come to a point in life where you realize that you alone are responsible for yourself.  When you don't pick yourself to pieces every time you find yourself alone.  When you don't worry as much about what other people think about your work as much as doing what you feel like will bring you happiness in life.  Growing older has it's ups and downs, but when I turned 24 last month I looked in the mirror and decided it wasn't so bad.

And it's not at all that I'm perfectly happy with myself - it's more that I look back on the disappointed girl I have been in the past and I'm just content with the fact that I've moved forward.

These days I don't loathe every quiet moment.  I don't crave the grandiose anymore.  In fact, these days the nights Levi and I decide to stay home, cuddle up and do nothing are often the ones I enjoy the most!  Life get's too crazy all on it's own without us filling silences and ruining every moment void of activity with more expectation and degradation of our own self-worth's.

I think everyone needs to decide at some point that they own their life.



For those of you that are just as hard on yourselves as I am, remember that owning your life means that you are responsible for the good things that happen just as much as the bad.  Stop beating yourself up and take a minute to appreciate the fact that you're still alive - and that alone is something to be proud of!