Unexpected emotions.

It's funny, when you look up "Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy" a long list pops up of all the things that EVERYONE tells you about pregnancy. You'll find that:

1. You'll leak. Everywhere. All the time. (It doesn't matter whether or not you do a million kegel's a day.)

2. You'll put on weight even before BABY actually makes an appearance.

3. You'll want to ring your partner and anyone else's neck who crosses your path for little to no reason at all. 

And other unpleasant "side effects" that come along with growing a human. So here we are, the first-timers, feeling all prepared because we think we're one step ahead. When other women give us that all-knowing-slightly-foreboding smile when we say we're excited and ready for our pregnancy to progress, we smile back because in our heads we think, "No no no, you don't understand. We Googled it. We know exactly what we're getting in to. We even know about the snail trails!"

News flash. We don't know. We can't know. Pregnancy is interesting. Everyone thinks they "get it" because there are movies depicting the hard parts of it and there's endless online resources telling you how to "Wow Your Midwife" and we all know someone who's been pregnant and so we "understand," obviously. I'll be honest with you, I was one of the worst. I was so sure I was going to rock this human-growing business. I was completely blind-sided. 

I want to go back to the very beginning and sit down with that me. The me staring that plus sign in the face feeling momentarily empowered and confident. I want to swallow her up in a big hug and tell her to hold on to that feeling. I want to tell her that over the next eight months, even the tiniest of her insecurities are going to be magnified. I want to remind her that she's always had a hard time accepting help, and that she's entering a phase of life where everyone just wants to help, and that it's not going to be any easier just because there's a baby involved now. It will still be hard, and it will cause break down after break down of feeling like people are thinking of her as incapable. I'll remind her that chances are likely they really truly just want to help because they love her, not because they think she "needs" it. Then I'll remind her unnecessarily of how valuable her independence has always been to her. I'll gently tell her that that same kind of independence is no longer an option. "In growing this little girl," I'll tell me, "you are surrendering that independence. You, are now two. She's going to be there all the time, for a long time. Not starting after she's born, starting now. That is so fun. But it's also terrifying and intimidating, and a little like finding a body part you never knew you had. You'll be a little scared of it, and it will take a long time to adjust to." I want to tell her how she's always been a little vain, and that that's going to make things difficult now. It'll be especially hard to know where to channel that insecurity, because when you try to talk about it, people will look down on you. People are going to roll their eyes at you and tell you "Please, you're TINY!" and no one will be able to understand why you're complaining. I'll tell her that it's okay to feel a sense of loss as her body makes the necessary shifts in order to bring life in to the world. I'll tell her to remember to focus on what is important, and what she can control and to not tear herself apart with guilt over the emotions she feels - it doesn't mean she loves her baby any less. I'll tell her to focus on that.

I have this image of me in the hospital, with little girl on my chest, and Levi draped around my shoulders leaning his head against mine just watching our baby girl breathe air for the very first time. Every moment I feel the panic creeping in and the frustration trying to take over, that is what pulls me out of the darkness. Isn't it interesting, that something so beautiful and awe-inspiring can cause so much anxiety? Maybe I shouldn't admit it out loud, but that's real. That's life. That's just me - the new mom. Trying desperately to figure this out as I go. Wish me luck?

Reminiscing.

I'm not crazy about most of my pre-raw photo days, but I will always love this shot. He's just my favorite subject, let's be honest.

Since I've started school [and correspondingly gotten every second of free time stripped from me quicker than I even half expected], this man has all but taken over kitchen-clean-up-duty, talked through math problems with me, gotten excited over every good grade, been my own personal picker-upper, patiently listened to my complaints of exhaustion and has been willing and ready to work around my schedule to make things easier on me. It's something special to be so connected with someone that when one of you needs help the other can step in without even being asked. He gets me completely inside and out and good GRIEF am I thankful he does.

I literally don't know what I would do without him at this point. I love him to the moon and back.

A breath of fresh air.

Sometimes in this life, things get way busier than you expected. Sometimes you spend an entire week just going and by the time Saturday rolls around you don't even know what just happened. Sometimes you feel like you literally don't even have a single second to yourself for peace or quiet. Sometimes you start to really miss those days before work, and school of sleeping in every morning with the boy and lounging the day away with him. Sometimes even sleep starts to feel like work.

You know how people say to take time to stop and smell the roses? Well, I've decided that pictures like this one, are my roses. After a week like I just had, I pull up a shot like this, and I suddenly feel refreshed. I feel like I can handle it all, because sometimes in the midst of all the exhaustion, certain shots just work out. You pull them up and the colors are bright and the subject is centered and you realize it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay because this shot, came out exactly like you pictured it in your head. Hey, maybe life isn't quite as hard as you're making it out to be.

What's your breath of fresh air?

Straight out of the studio.

Just kidding. I don't have a studio. But seriously how perfect is this light??

I've been holding all my free shoots in downtown Chandler because it seems to be pretty central and there is just so many photo ops in such a tiny square area. It's worked out really well. These two, because of a minor scheduling conflict I ended up shooting in almost mid-day sun. As it turns out, that's not always a bad thing! It was actually kind of fun being able to get all up in their stuff and shoot with some studio-esque lighting.

Their gorgeous eyes and flawless skin and perfect teeth [I could keep going!] sure didn't hurt either. I mean, let's be real.



By the way, remember how my keys almost [did] got [get] stolen the other day [until I stole them back]? Well apparently I didn't learn my lesson, and on this shoot some kids snatched $30 out of poor Taylor's purse [the hot brunette].

After chasing the thieves up and down four plus levels of a parking garage and hopping railings and filing police reports, you better believe those flushed cheeks are for real!

Noblushwasreappliedinthemakingofthisphotoshoot.





Anyways. I really need a fanny pack.

I've been having a love affair with black and white.

Maybe you've noticed... I've been posting a lot of black and white as of late. Do you want to know why? It's not because I don't like color. In fact lately, I've finally been getting the kind of color in my photography that I've been looking for and I've been pretty happy with the results! It's just that I finish brightening up favorite shots like this one...


...and I'm happy! His skin is perfect baby pink, the whites are bright, but contrast well with his and his mama's dark hair...I'm just happy, in general. I'm perfectly content with the outcome.

And then I turn it black and white.

BAM. All the sudden little Ronan is a child model from the fifties, he can play outside after dark and walk to the grocery store for his mama from five years old because the world is just that safe and every picture taken turns out flawless in its flat contrast and perfect imperfections.

Maybe I'm just a photographer stuck in the wrong era.

Anyway. Remember this kid and his gorgeous mama? Those eyes.

Guys. This girls laugh is infectious.

Hi! Meet Brooke and Cory. AKA: The Cutest Couple In The World.

I'm not kidding when I say these two just never stop laughing.  They obviously adore each other.  And I adore them. It's like some weird laughing love triangle when we're together. (Right now they're probably cringing in their computer chairs and making a mental note to never be within five square miles of me again.) It's cool.

Do you want a side story with today's post?

So this morning, I'm busy taking pictures of these two. This picture, in fact.
(Bonus preview! You're welcome.)

As I'm shooting, I set my keys and my lens cap down on the ground just a few yards away. And I snap snap snap away. We're setting up the perfect shot when these two boys walk by, young, no more than 10 years old. We laugh a little because apparently posing in front of an audience is not Cory's thing, but we don't think much of it and carry on our merry ways. Snap snap snap. Snap snap snap.  I finally get the perfect angle and am satisfied, so I walk on a bit and reach down to grab my keys and my lens cap. There's the lens cap - but no keys. We search high and low. Did I set them on the wall? Did I leave them at the last location? My mind was reeling wondering what I would've done with them, but inside I KNOW I wouldn't have put them anywhere but right next to my lens cap. It's just what I do. Finally, Brooke wonders out loud about those two boys who had walked by earlier. Since that seems to be the only possibility left, we look up the street to see if we can find them. For whatever reason, they seem to be walking back this way, lingering up toward the parking lot a ways off. We told Cory to puff up his chest and we all walk towards them. Once we reach them, we asked if they had seen some keys laying on the ground when they walked by earlier. I think they were trying to pretend like they didn't understand, but sure enough, I look down and one of them has his fist balled up around a keychain and there's my teale Sharpie sticking out between his fingers. He didn't put up much of a fuss, really. I grabbed them straight out of his hands and he nervously explained he "had a keychain that looked just like that one..." Right.

Moral of the story? When I show up to your photoshoot wearing a fanny pack, don't laugh too hard. It's for good reason!

Rocklyn.

Does anyone else feel like a complete bad-ass if they end up with anything more than this on first birthday shoots??  Sometimes I just want to grab these little people by the shoulders and tell them to slow down!  Life gets busy enough all on it's own.

I mean, really.

Could these two be any cuter?  Most of the reasoning behind me offering {FREE} photography sessions this month was to get practice.  I wanted to make sure I was learning something new on every single shoot.  When these cute sisters showed up in their skinnies and open flannels I got so intimidated I barely got any of the shots I wanted - but I did come away with one lesson learned!  Clearly, I need to set up more shoots with my own sister.  Sisters, are obviously, the cutest.

Or maybe it's just these sisters...but a girl can dream.



Thanks girls! You rocked it.

Can all of 2014 be this perfect?

Met these two for a little {FREE} photoshoot in downtown Chandler last night...  Literally could not have been a more fulfilling first for the year!  My heart is slowly melting into a puddle on the floor as I scroll through these looks of pure joy. It's so obvious, how these two just simply adore each other. It will be so fun to watch this little guy grow older and see their bond grow!

More soon!